Yesterday the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints released to the press that they want to encourage all members everywhere to "Love one another" when it comes to the gay community. I feel like this has been a long time coming. This is the beginning of a change in disposition. It's been happening with the younger generation naturally, I've noticed, but now that the church has released this appeal to members worldwide I think we're going to see a positive change in the views that LDS people have young and old.
I love the gay community. I don't think I've ever known a gay person that I haven't respected and found to be a worthwhile and delightsome person. Everyone deserves respect because they are. I believe that people are most likely to succeed and find peace in their lives when they are free to spend all their energy on doing good rather than sticking up for themselves and counteracting opposition and persecution.
I believe that each of our lives is a journey that can only be fully comprehended by individual council with God at the end of our lives. What can I say about someone else's life? Nothing. They're learning something, and God knows it. I don't need to know, and God knows I don't need to know. In fact, I believe he expects me to treat others with love and respect without knowing anything about them, and especially when I know all sorts of bad things about them.
So, to every person that might feel confused about themselves, or their gender, or even has a perfect concept of their orientation: feel free to feel comfortable with yourself, because it's only once you stop spending all your energy figuring yourself out and self-examining and spending spiritual capital on self-deense that you can really start learning about life, and how really, really good it can be.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
On Getting Hitched
The other day I had a break down - totally flipped out. I'm getting married in twenty days now and that thought, the idea of it all, has really weighed me down quite a lot. Getting married. I take that so seriously.
In one of my previous posts I talked about how I pick at my skin from the inside, and this is true. I realize in recent years I've developed a habit of doing this, and it's not right. I think I've always done this and now it's just really kicking in.
Being a man. What is it!? What defines a man? What is the man that is ready for the commitment of marriage? What does he do, what does he think about, what does he act like?
I'll be honest with you, if you cracked me open you would find that I'm really just a big ol' girl inside. I'm vain, I like beautiful things and I like feeling beautiful. I have sat back and wondered why I pick myself to ribbons about it so much - and I have, let me tell you. I have reduced myself to anger, frustration, bouts of swearing and ultimately to tears. Yes, recently, I have sworn. I have said many of those four letter words. I think I said all of them numerous times only Monday night, but no one was there so it doesn't count against me ;)
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I not allow myself to be happy with who I am and the things that power my creativity and make me an individual? I have recently spent so much energy - inner flame; gusts and gusts of power - just examining myself and putting myself up against this Gaston that I've idealized. Some man who does everything correctly, and who is certainly the kind of man who will keep a marriage going for the rest of his life. The kind of man that never starts fights and owns respect from everyone and whose legend is an aura that all can see like a set of regal antlers that rise from his brow. He is only outdone by the mountains.
It is hard to find a solution when you CONTINUE to CHOOSE to RUN in the wrong direction and refuse to see that you are going backwards. Especially if you think that it is required of you to do so. I was blessed with the opportunity of realizing that reaching the maddening end of a trail does not mean that the journey is over. One direction has proven itself untrue, it's time to spend some effort going in a new direction.
I feel like I've done that. Prayer works when you take what you have and start thinking positively about it.
I'm okay. This guy who is me is pretty cool. I like him. I like the things that I do and the things that I think about. If you haven't already noticed, I'm probably the coolest person you've met at this point in your life. If you really payed attention to the things I do you'd probably realize that ;)
I love the people around me. There are people who have shown great care and concern for me in this world, and I'm grateful for that. No one wants anyone to feel poorly about themselves. I don't see people that look sad and think "well, they should be thinking about what's wrong with them. Gosh, he needs to change himself or else no one's going to enjoy being around him."
I used to tell people something which I've just remembered. It goes like this: "Be pleased with yourself, and that will be the most attractive thing about you. That's what people are really looking for." I stopped saying that, and thinking that, and I don't know why.
I feel ready to get married. To begin the sprawling task ahead.
It's amazing how good you can feel when you stop feeling bad. Novel concept, huh?
In one of my previous posts I talked about how I pick at my skin from the inside, and this is true. I realize in recent years I've developed a habit of doing this, and it's not right. I think I've always done this and now it's just really kicking in.
Being a man. What is it!? What defines a man? What is the man that is ready for the commitment of marriage? What does he do, what does he think about, what does he act like?
I'll be honest with you, if you cracked me open you would find that I'm really just a big ol' girl inside. I'm vain, I like beautiful things and I like feeling beautiful. I have sat back and wondered why I pick myself to ribbons about it so much - and I have, let me tell you. I have reduced myself to anger, frustration, bouts of swearing and ultimately to tears. Yes, recently, I have sworn. I have said many of those four letter words. I think I said all of them numerous times only Monday night, but no one was there so it doesn't count against me ;)
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I not allow myself to be happy with who I am and the things that power my creativity and make me an individual? I have recently spent so much energy - inner flame; gusts and gusts of power - just examining myself and putting myself up against this Gaston that I've idealized. Some man who does everything correctly, and who is certainly the kind of man who will keep a marriage going for the rest of his life. The kind of man that never starts fights and owns respect from everyone and whose legend is an aura that all can see like a set of regal antlers that rise from his brow. He is only outdone by the mountains.
It is hard to find a solution when you CONTINUE to CHOOSE to RUN in the wrong direction and refuse to see that you are going backwards. Especially if you think that it is required of you to do so. I was blessed with the opportunity of realizing that reaching the maddening end of a trail does not mean that the journey is over. One direction has proven itself untrue, it's time to spend some effort going in a new direction.
I feel like I've done that. Prayer works when you take what you have and start thinking positively about it.
I'm okay. This guy who is me is pretty cool. I like him. I like the things that I do and the things that I think about. If you haven't already noticed, I'm probably the coolest person you've met at this point in your life. If you really payed attention to the things I do you'd probably realize that ;)
I love the people around me. There are people who have shown great care and concern for me in this world, and I'm grateful for that. No one wants anyone to feel poorly about themselves. I don't see people that look sad and think "well, they should be thinking about what's wrong with them. Gosh, he needs to change himself or else no one's going to enjoy being around him."
I used to tell people something which I've just remembered. It goes like this: "Be pleased with yourself, and that will be the most attractive thing about you. That's what people are really looking for." I stopped saying that, and thinking that, and I don't know why.
I feel ready to get married. To begin the sprawling task ahead.
It's amazing how good you can feel when you stop feeling bad. Novel concept, huh?
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Kingdom of God
I was able to watch conference this time around in my own apartment, only days more than a month away from being married to the love of my life. I am so grateful for all the wonderful things I've been blessed with.
There was a lot of talk about missionary work. I am not going on a mission. For a few moments after conference I felt estranged from the discussion and direction which the church and members are heading in. But then I talked with myself.
Point one: I don't regret not going on a mission. On the contrary, not going has given me a wonderfully bittersweet appreciation for the fact that this life is all about making choices. I learned so much from deciding to go, preparing to go, and deciding not to go. I feel tremendously wizened by that whole ordeal, and I am SO happy to be looking at the next rest of forever spent with Mallory. So happy. I love being home from a mission and working towards a more perfect relationship with Mallory.
Point two: I always have the chance to be a missionary. Everywhere I go.
In John 3, Jesus Christ taught that unless one has been born again, one cannot see the kingdom of God. And then he said, that unless one has been born of water and of the spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. There appears to be a difference between seeing and entering the kingdom of God.
If I can put this humbly, I feel like I have been able to see some of what the kingdom of God looks like: The betterment of individuals. Mostly in myself - realizing faults, not knowing how to overcome them, overcoming them and realizing more; Trying to have patience, etc.
What I love to see are the people around me. At first glance, you might say that most people are obnoxious, uninteresting, offensive - whatever. But everyone has a story, and every person is known unto God. Christ watches them, I really believe this.
We all have something to learn in this life, and Christ lets us learn, and overlooks our faults until he knows that it is time for us to work on them - that we're ready to see them. I've watched this in my own life, and it makes me want to be more careful about who I write off as obnoxious, offensive, uninteresting and so on. I'm trying to get better because it's a rewarding exercise. There are still people, though, who make me upset or put me off.
I'm getting off topic - it's late, I apologize. What I wanted to say in this post is that I want to blog more. Share my perspective and be more of a missionary, just talking about day-to-day things. Sharing things I've found in the scriptures. I want to tell my own story, and maybe it will help me feel better about who I am, because there are times when I catch myself tearing at the inside of my own skin. It gets really terrible if I let it, and I have to snap the doors shut pretty instantaneously when that specter starts to darken the doorway.
Something I always used to tell people, which I believe one hundred percent to this day: "Be pleased with yourself, and that will be the most attractive thing about you. That's what people really want to see."
Through all of my trials and difficulties in life, I have always concluded with the thought "well, at the end of this, I will be able to help someone else who has gone through exactly what I'm going through now."
This is me trying to do that, and by doing so I hope to also help myself.
There was a lot of talk about missionary work. I am not going on a mission. For a few moments after conference I felt estranged from the discussion and direction which the church and members are heading in. But then I talked with myself.
Point one: I don't regret not going on a mission. On the contrary, not going has given me a wonderfully bittersweet appreciation for the fact that this life is all about making choices. I learned so much from deciding to go, preparing to go, and deciding not to go. I feel tremendously wizened by that whole ordeal, and I am SO happy to be looking at the next rest of forever spent with Mallory. So happy. I love being home from a mission and working towards a more perfect relationship with Mallory.
Point two: I always have the chance to be a missionary. Everywhere I go.
In John 3, Jesus Christ taught that unless one has been born again, one cannot see the kingdom of God. And then he said, that unless one has been born of water and of the spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. There appears to be a difference between seeing and entering the kingdom of God.
If I can put this humbly, I feel like I have been able to see some of what the kingdom of God looks like: The betterment of individuals. Mostly in myself - realizing faults, not knowing how to overcome them, overcoming them and realizing more; Trying to have patience, etc.
What I love to see are the people around me. At first glance, you might say that most people are obnoxious, uninteresting, offensive - whatever. But everyone has a story, and every person is known unto God. Christ watches them, I really believe this.
We all have something to learn in this life, and Christ lets us learn, and overlooks our faults until he knows that it is time for us to work on them - that we're ready to see them. I've watched this in my own life, and it makes me want to be more careful about who I write off as obnoxious, offensive, uninteresting and so on. I'm trying to get better because it's a rewarding exercise. There are still people, though, who make me upset or put me off.
I'm getting off topic - it's late, I apologize. What I wanted to say in this post is that I want to blog more. Share my perspective and be more of a missionary, just talking about day-to-day things. Sharing things I've found in the scriptures. I want to tell my own story, and maybe it will help me feel better about who I am, because there are times when I catch myself tearing at the inside of my own skin. It gets really terrible if I let it, and I have to snap the doors shut pretty instantaneously when that specter starts to darken the doorway.
Something I always used to tell people, which I believe one hundred percent to this day: "Be pleased with yourself, and that will be the most attractive thing about you. That's what people really want to see."
Through all of my trials and difficulties in life, I have always concluded with the thought "well, at the end of this, I will be able to help someone else who has gone through exactly what I'm going through now."
This is me trying to do that, and by doing so I hope to also help myself.
Friday, September 14, 2012
A Collection of Recent Thoughts
I remember working at the Lego Store in Bellevue Square, coming up on three years ago. I was standing there, and it was one of those lull moments where I could just walk around that yellow floor and think.
I was sad. My heart felt like weeping, and I prayed. For some reason the idea of going on a mission had already taken root, and I was thinking about it. But I was exhausted in my soul. I wanted life to begin.
I prayed that I could just get married and start a family. I was ready to be consistent.
Little did I know how much I needed to know. The following years brought a lot of things my way, and at times I didn't juggle them as well as I should have. But therein was a lesson.
I soon came to REALLY want to go on a mission, and it was the first thing I wanted enough to work towards with everything I had. And then I learned to give it up for something even more important.
Life sometimes requires that you make forever choices. For better or worse, you need to own those forever choices and you become tasked with turning for worse into for better.
Anyways, the point is that here I am, getting married in fifty-seven days. Things have changed. I can feel the growth I've been through. It's boggling to think that a good life means no end to growth.
I'm so excited for the future. In the next five years I want to be in L.A. doing makeup for movies, and not just for movies, but on the side working with photographers, doing fashion styles, maybe even weddings.
The thing that draws me to makeup is the creativity. It's about your name. I've always wanted to do my own business - to do something for me. The feeling that I'm sowing and reaping towards my own storehouse is so empowering, and liberating. It makes me feel like a man, and I'll find that in makeup.
Does that sound odd? Maybe. Allow me to explain.
As a makeup artist, I'll be hired by movie companies, get called by designers to do work for them, and they'll be asking for me. For my name, and my creativity. My name has the opportunity to be as heavy as Starbucks in the creative industry. That's encouraging. All I have to do is run my daydreams through the creative process, translate them to fit the human figure and learn what products will do that for me.
So I'm excited. I'm excited to be there, shoulder to shoulder with artists on the film set telling stories. Taking viewers across the galaxy, over the seas and wherever the plot may dare to go.
It will be me being an individual, advancing myself, with the opportunity to do work on the side. That's encouraging. That will make me feel accomplished and at the top of my own heap.
additionally, I think that makeup is perfect for me. I'm so easy towards extremism. I'm very intense inside. I hyper-focus on things. When I first started going back to church intently, I would have had no problem renouncing the world to live like a hermit for God and righteousness. I feel like it's very suitable that I should join myself with an industry as imaginative, light, airy, and yes, shallow as doing makeup designs. It's a good contrast to the side of me that can get wound up to frustration and anger in cycles of meditation and thought.
So I feel good.
I'm so excited to get married. I'm so thankful for Mallory and the support that she gives me. I trust her with my heart. It's taken me a while to get there, but I'm there, and she has it. I'm doing my best to have hers. People say it's difficult to live with someone else when you're not accustomed to it.
I'm not worried. We've been through a lot. All I have is hers. All I will do in life is for her and for the family we'll have. Love is an exercise of patience that is made easy by true love and respect. By faith in each other.
I've been thinking about how cool it will be, FAR down the road, to have kids. To see Mallory's face in a cute little girl that has a feature or two from me. With every child's smile seeing a reincarnation of Mallory's beauty and a part of her living in a young little person. That will be amazing.
Anyways, that's all for tonight. I've got to get some rest, but I'll leave you with some eye candy. A few images that I've found which embody the kind of beauty I want to get into the industry to create.
I was sad. My heart felt like weeping, and I prayed. For some reason the idea of going on a mission had already taken root, and I was thinking about it. But I was exhausted in my soul. I wanted life to begin.
I prayed that I could just get married and start a family. I was ready to be consistent.
Little did I know how much I needed to know. The following years brought a lot of things my way, and at times I didn't juggle them as well as I should have. But therein was a lesson.
I soon came to REALLY want to go on a mission, and it was the first thing I wanted enough to work towards with everything I had. And then I learned to give it up for something even more important.
Life sometimes requires that you make forever choices. For better or worse, you need to own those forever choices and you become tasked with turning for worse into for better.
Anyways, the point is that here I am, getting married in fifty-seven days. Things have changed. I can feel the growth I've been through. It's boggling to think that a good life means no end to growth.
I'm so excited for the future. In the next five years I want to be in L.A. doing makeup for movies, and not just for movies, but on the side working with photographers, doing fashion styles, maybe even weddings.
The thing that draws me to makeup is the creativity. It's about your name. I've always wanted to do my own business - to do something for me. The feeling that I'm sowing and reaping towards my own storehouse is so empowering, and liberating. It makes me feel like a man, and I'll find that in makeup.
Does that sound odd? Maybe. Allow me to explain.
As a makeup artist, I'll be hired by movie companies, get called by designers to do work for them, and they'll be asking for me. For my name, and my creativity. My name has the opportunity to be as heavy as Starbucks in the creative industry. That's encouraging. All I have to do is run my daydreams through the creative process, translate them to fit the human figure and learn what products will do that for me.
So I'm excited. I'm excited to be there, shoulder to shoulder with artists on the film set telling stories. Taking viewers across the galaxy, over the seas and wherever the plot may dare to go.
It will be me being an individual, advancing myself, with the opportunity to do work on the side. That's encouraging. That will make me feel accomplished and at the top of my own heap.
additionally, I think that makeup is perfect for me. I'm so easy towards extremism. I'm very intense inside. I hyper-focus on things. When I first started going back to church intently, I would have had no problem renouncing the world to live like a hermit for God and righteousness. I feel like it's very suitable that I should join myself with an industry as imaginative, light, airy, and yes, shallow as doing makeup designs. It's a good contrast to the side of me that can get wound up to frustration and anger in cycles of meditation and thought.
So I feel good.
I'm so excited to get married. I'm so thankful for Mallory and the support that she gives me. I trust her with my heart. It's taken me a while to get there, but I'm there, and she has it. I'm doing my best to have hers. People say it's difficult to live with someone else when you're not accustomed to it.
I'm not worried. We've been through a lot. All I have is hers. All I will do in life is for her and for the family we'll have. Love is an exercise of patience that is made easy by true love and respect. By faith in each other.
I've been thinking about how cool it will be, FAR down the road, to have kids. To see Mallory's face in a cute little girl that has a feature or two from me. With every child's smile seeing a reincarnation of Mallory's beauty and a part of her living in a young little person. That will be amazing.
Anyways, that's all for tonight. I've got to get some rest, but I'll leave you with some eye candy. A few images that I've found which embody the kind of beauty I want to get into the industry to create.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Bands
I found two bands in the ground. Gold. Sifted them out of the clay.
Thousands of years ago, two hearts lived in them, floating around each other like fireflies.
But now they are empty, and their glimmer gives me nothing. No hints.
They're desolate as a mountain-top, empty as the sky.
Those bodies dropped them away and left them in the earth.
They left, like a shimmer leaps off the ocean waves - countless.
But here they are, in my hand. The promise of two folks in love, so long ago.
The quotes, the arguments, their moments, their desperate hours.
Gone.
The rings don't speak, but here they are in my hand.
And that is that.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Still Kickin'
I don't think anyone reads this, but I don't care, I'm writing this more to myself than anyone. It would be nice if people read this, but to me it means that I'm issuing something, I'm creating something. I'm making a declaration.
Recently, I've realized that for the past year and a half, I've changed my life and squelched my own creativity and eccentricities to gain the approval of my Stake President and Bishop in order to go on a mission. That is no longer the goal, and I was wrong to do that to myself. If the gospel of Christ is a bottle of spray paint, I was huffing it.
I don't have to be anyone other than myself. Be good, yes, but not a supercharged, swirling dervish of righteousness. I don't have to second-guess myself at every turn. I get to be an individual voice in a sea of voices. This is liberating.
I've been exploring who I am as a creative individual a lot recently. It feels great to be excited about doing something creative when I get off work. To have an idea brewing in my head all day is encouraging and motivating. I love it.
I've watched a few web comics over the years and one thing I've always admired is how you can observe the artist improving over the passage of time. You go to the first strip and jump to the last and you can see a very drastic improvement in every way.
I think it would be cool to do this. Posting it online might be hard, because I don't really have very much equipment and Photoshop is A MILLION DOLLARS. So I think it would be something I police myself about. One finished drawing twice a week? That sounds about right. Maybe two, if time provides, and there isn't much.
BUT LIFE IS GOOD. And I'm enjoying myself a lot. I'm going to take my spray bottle and do what I want.
Go.
Recently, I've realized that for the past year and a half, I've changed my life and squelched my own creativity and eccentricities to gain the approval of my Stake President and Bishop in order to go on a mission. That is no longer the goal, and I was wrong to do that to myself. If the gospel of Christ is a bottle of spray paint, I was huffing it.
I don't have to be anyone other than myself. Be good, yes, but not a supercharged, swirling dervish of righteousness. I don't have to second-guess myself at every turn. I get to be an individual voice in a sea of voices. This is liberating.
I've been exploring who I am as a creative individual a lot recently. It feels great to be excited about doing something creative when I get off work. To have an idea brewing in my head all day is encouraging and motivating. I love it.
I've watched a few web comics over the years and one thing I've always admired is how you can observe the artist improving over the passage of time. You go to the first strip and jump to the last and you can see a very drastic improvement in every way.
I think it would be cool to do this. Posting it online might be hard, because I don't really have very much equipment and Photoshop is A MILLION DOLLARS. So I think it would be something I police myself about. One finished drawing twice a week? That sounds about right. Maybe two, if time provides, and there isn't much.
BUT LIFE IS GOOD. And I'm enjoying myself a lot. I'm going to take my spray bottle and do what I want.
Go.
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