Kingdom of God

I was able to watch conference this time around in my own apartment, only days more than a month away from being married to the love of my life. I am so grateful for all the wonderful things I've been blessed with.

There was a lot of talk about missionary work. I am not going on a mission. For a few moments after conference I felt estranged from the discussion and direction which the church and members are heading in. But then I talked with myself.

Point one: I don't regret not going on a mission. On the contrary, not going has given me a wonderfully bittersweet appreciation for the fact that this life is all about making choices. I learned so much from deciding to go, preparing to go, and deciding not to go. I feel tremendously wizened by that whole ordeal, and I am SO happy to be looking at the next rest of forever spent with Mallory. So happy. I love being home from a mission and working towards a more perfect relationship with Mallory.

Point two: I always have the chance to be a missionary. Everywhere I go.

In John 3, Jesus Christ taught that unless one has been born again, one cannot see the kingdom of God. And then he said, that unless one has been born of water and of the spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. There appears to be a difference between seeing and entering the kingdom of God.

If I can put this humbly, I feel like I have been able to see some of what the kingdom of God looks like: The betterment of individuals. Mostly in myself - realizing faults, not knowing how to overcome them, overcoming them and realizing more; Trying to have patience, etc.

What I love to see are the people around me. At first glance, you might say that most people are obnoxious, uninteresting, offensive - whatever. But everyone has a story, and every person is known unto God. Christ watches them, I really believe this.

We all have something to learn in this life, and Christ lets us learn, and overlooks our faults until he knows that it is time for us to work on them - that we're ready to see them. I've watched this in my own life, and it makes me want to be more careful about who I write off as obnoxious, offensive, uninteresting and so on. I'm trying to get better because it's a rewarding exercise. There are still people, though, who make me upset or put me off.

I'm getting off topic - it's late, I apologize. What I wanted to say in this post is that I want to blog more. Share my perspective and be more of a missionary, just talking about day-to-day things. Sharing things I've found in the scriptures. I want to tell my own story, and maybe it will help me feel better about who I am, because there are times when I catch myself tearing at the inside of my own skin. It gets really terrible if I let it, and I have to snap the doors shut pretty instantaneously when that specter starts to darken the doorway.

Something I always used to tell people, which I believe one hundred percent to this day: "Be pleased with yourself, and that will be the most attractive thing about you. That's what people really want to see."

Through all of my trials and difficulties in life, I have always concluded with the thought "well, at the end of this, I will be able to help someone else who has gone through exactly what I'm going through now."

This is me trying to do that, and by doing so I hope to also help myself.