The other day I had a break down - totally flipped out. I'm getting married in twenty days now and that thought, the idea of it all, has really weighed me down quite a lot. Getting married. I take that so seriously.
In one of my previous posts I talked about how I pick at my skin from the inside, and this is true. I realize in recent years I've developed a habit of doing this, and it's not right. I think I've always done this and now it's just really kicking in.
Being a man. What is it!? What defines a man? What is the man that is ready for the commitment of marriage? What does he do, what does he think about, what does he act like?
I'll be honest with you, if you cracked me open you would find that I'm really just a big ol' girl inside. I'm vain, I like beautiful things and I like feeling beautiful. I have sat back and wondered why I pick myself to ribbons about it so much - and I have, let me tell you. I have reduced myself to anger, frustration, bouts of swearing and ultimately to tears. Yes, recently, I have sworn. I have said many of those four letter words. I think I said all of them numerous times only Monday night, but no one was there so it doesn't count against me ;)
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I not allow myself to be happy with who I am and the things that power my creativity and make me an individual? I have recently spent so much energy - inner flame; gusts and gusts of power - just examining myself and putting myself up against this Gaston that I've idealized. Some man who does everything correctly, and who is certainly the kind of man who will keep a marriage going for the rest of his life. The kind of man that never starts fights and owns respect from everyone and whose legend is an aura that all can see like a set of regal antlers that rise from his brow. He is only outdone by the mountains.
It is hard to find a solution when you CONTINUE to CHOOSE to RUN in the wrong direction and refuse to see that you are going backwards. Especially if you think that it is required of you to do so. I was blessed with the opportunity of realizing that reaching the maddening end of a trail does not mean that the journey is over. One direction has proven itself untrue, it's time to spend some effort going in a new direction.
I feel like I've done that. Prayer works when you take what you have and start thinking positively about it.
I'm okay. This guy who is me is pretty cool. I like him. I like the things that I do and the things that I think about. If you haven't already noticed, I'm probably the coolest person you've met at this point in your life. If you really payed attention to the things I do you'd probably realize that ;)
I love the people around me. There are people who have shown great care and concern for me in this world, and I'm grateful for that. No one wants anyone to feel poorly about themselves. I don't see people that look sad and think "well, they should be thinking about what's wrong with them. Gosh, he needs to change himself or else no one's going to enjoy being around him."
I used to tell people something which I've just remembered. It goes like this: "Be pleased with yourself, and that will be the most attractive thing about you. That's what people are really looking for." I stopped saying that, and thinking that, and I don't know why.
I feel ready to get married. To begin the sprawling task ahead.
It's amazing how good you can feel when you stop feeling bad. Novel concept, huh?
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Kingdom of God
I was able to watch conference this time around in my own apartment, only days more than a month away from being married to the love of my life. I am so grateful for all the wonderful things I've been blessed with.
There was a lot of talk about missionary work. I am not going on a mission. For a few moments after conference I felt estranged from the discussion and direction which the church and members are heading in. But then I talked with myself.
Point one: I don't regret not going on a mission. On the contrary, not going has given me a wonderfully bittersweet appreciation for the fact that this life is all about making choices. I learned so much from deciding to go, preparing to go, and deciding not to go. I feel tremendously wizened by that whole ordeal, and I am SO happy to be looking at the next rest of forever spent with Mallory. So happy. I love being home from a mission and working towards a more perfect relationship with Mallory.
Point two: I always have the chance to be a missionary. Everywhere I go.
In John 3, Jesus Christ taught that unless one has been born again, one cannot see the kingdom of God. And then he said, that unless one has been born of water and of the spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. There appears to be a difference between seeing and entering the kingdom of God.
If I can put this humbly, I feel like I have been able to see some of what the kingdom of God looks like: The betterment of individuals. Mostly in myself - realizing faults, not knowing how to overcome them, overcoming them and realizing more; Trying to have patience, etc.
What I love to see are the people around me. At first glance, you might say that most people are obnoxious, uninteresting, offensive - whatever. But everyone has a story, and every person is known unto God. Christ watches them, I really believe this.
We all have something to learn in this life, and Christ lets us learn, and overlooks our faults until he knows that it is time for us to work on them - that we're ready to see them. I've watched this in my own life, and it makes me want to be more careful about who I write off as obnoxious, offensive, uninteresting and so on. I'm trying to get better because it's a rewarding exercise. There are still people, though, who make me upset or put me off.
I'm getting off topic - it's late, I apologize. What I wanted to say in this post is that I want to blog more. Share my perspective and be more of a missionary, just talking about day-to-day things. Sharing things I've found in the scriptures. I want to tell my own story, and maybe it will help me feel better about who I am, because there are times when I catch myself tearing at the inside of my own skin. It gets really terrible if I let it, and I have to snap the doors shut pretty instantaneously when that specter starts to darken the doorway.
Something I always used to tell people, which I believe one hundred percent to this day: "Be pleased with yourself, and that will be the most attractive thing about you. That's what people really want to see."
Through all of my trials and difficulties in life, I have always concluded with the thought "well, at the end of this, I will be able to help someone else who has gone through exactly what I'm going through now."
This is me trying to do that, and by doing so I hope to also help myself.
There was a lot of talk about missionary work. I am not going on a mission. For a few moments after conference I felt estranged from the discussion and direction which the church and members are heading in. But then I talked with myself.
Point one: I don't regret not going on a mission. On the contrary, not going has given me a wonderfully bittersweet appreciation for the fact that this life is all about making choices. I learned so much from deciding to go, preparing to go, and deciding not to go. I feel tremendously wizened by that whole ordeal, and I am SO happy to be looking at the next rest of forever spent with Mallory. So happy. I love being home from a mission and working towards a more perfect relationship with Mallory.
Point two: I always have the chance to be a missionary. Everywhere I go.
In John 3, Jesus Christ taught that unless one has been born again, one cannot see the kingdom of God. And then he said, that unless one has been born of water and of the spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. There appears to be a difference between seeing and entering the kingdom of God.
If I can put this humbly, I feel like I have been able to see some of what the kingdom of God looks like: The betterment of individuals. Mostly in myself - realizing faults, not knowing how to overcome them, overcoming them and realizing more; Trying to have patience, etc.
What I love to see are the people around me. At first glance, you might say that most people are obnoxious, uninteresting, offensive - whatever. But everyone has a story, and every person is known unto God. Christ watches them, I really believe this.
We all have something to learn in this life, and Christ lets us learn, and overlooks our faults until he knows that it is time for us to work on them - that we're ready to see them. I've watched this in my own life, and it makes me want to be more careful about who I write off as obnoxious, offensive, uninteresting and so on. I'm trying to get better because it's a rewarding exercise. There are still people, though, who make me upset or put me off.
I'm getting off topic - it's late, I apologize. What I wanted to say in this post is that I want to blog more. Share my perspective and be more of a missionary, just talking about day-to-day things. Sharing things I've found in the scriptures. I want to tell my own story, and maybe it will help me feel better about who I am, because there are times when I catch myself tearing at the inside of my own skin. It gets really terrible if I let it, and I have to snap the doors shut pretty instantaneously when that specter starts to darken the doorway.
Something I always used to tell people, which I believe one hundred percent to this day: "Be pleased with yourself, and that will be the most attractive thing about you. That's what people really want to see."
Through all of my trials and difficulties in life, I have always concluded with the thought "well, at the end of this, I will be able to help someone else who has gone through exactly what I'm going through now."
This is me trying to do that, and by doing so I hope to also help myself.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
