On Getting Hitched

The other day I had a break down - totally flipped out. I'm getting married in twenty days now and that thought, the idea of it all, has really weighed me down quite a lot. Getting married. I take that so seriously.

In one of my previous posts I talked about how I pick at my skin from the inside, and this is true. I realize in recent years I've developed a habit of doing this, and it's not right. I think I've always done this and now it's just really kicking in.

Being a man. What is it!? What defines a man? What is the man that is ready for the commitment of marriage? What does he do, what does he think about, what does he act like?

I'll be honest with you, if you cracked me open you would find that I'm really just a big ol' girl inside. I'm vain, I like beautiful things and I like feeling beautiful. I have sat back and wondered why I pick myself to ribbons about it so much - and I have, let me tell you. I have reduced myself to anger, frustration, bouts of swearing and ultimately to tears. Yes, recently, I have sworn. I have said many of those four letter words. I think I said all of them numerous times only Monday night, but no one was there so it doesn't count against me ;)

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I not allow myself to be happy with who I am and the things that power my creativity and make me an individual? I have recently spent so much energy - inner flame; gusts and gusts of power - just examining myself and putting myself up against this Gaston that I've idealized. Some man who does everything correctly, and who is certainly the kind of man who will keep a marriage going for the rest of his life. The kind of man that never starts fights and owns respect from everyone and whose legend is an aura that all can see like a set of regal antlers that rise from his brow. He is only outdone by the mountains.

It is hard to find a solution when you CONTINUE to CHOOSE to RUN in the wrong direction and refuse to see that you are going backwards. Especially if you think that it is required of you to do so. I was blessed with the opportunity of realizing that reaching the maddening end of a trail does not mean that the journey is over. One direction has proven itself untrue, it's time to spend some effort going in a new direction.

I feel like I've done that. Prayer works when you take what you have and start thinking positively about it.

I'm okay. This guy who is me is pretty cool. I like him. I like the things that I do and the things that I think about. If you haven't already noticed, I'm probably the coolest person you've met at this point in your life. If you really payed attention to the things I do you'd probably realize that ;)

I love the people around me. There are people who have shown great care and concern for me in this world, and I'm grateful for that. No one wants anyone to feel poorly about themselves. I don't see people that look sad and think "well, they should be thinking about what's wrong with them. Gosh, he needs to change himself or else no one's going to enjoy being around him."

I used to tell people something which I've just remembered. It goes like this: "Be pleased with yourself, and that will be the most attractive thing about you. That's what people are really looking for." I stopped saying that, and thinking that, and I don't know why.

I feel ready to get married. To begin the sprawling task ahead.

It's amazing how good you can feel when you stop feeling bad. Novel concept, huh?